The Sports Truth

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Can anyone challenge the Pundit’s football acumen? The Pundit mocks anyone who thinks they can even attempt to hold his jock when it comes to college football.

Since the Pundit is affiliated with a technically deficient site (one probably run by chimps randomly punching keyboards) he will track his own record to make sure his legion of hungry fans can follow his omnipotence! 5-0 this week and 11-5 on the year! You have all been pimped again Pundit-style! Bow down, mere mortals!

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THE PUNDIT’S POWER FIVE

1. Ohio State. The Pundit took the Buckeyes by 21 over Penn State. Damn, the Pundit is good!
Next week’s opponent: Iowa
Prediction: This should be one of the early Big 10 grudge matches. A win for the Hawkeyes would get them into the top 10 nationally and give them some title hype. It’s a home game for Iowa but the Pundit is not convinced they’re strong enough to derail early Heisman front-runner Troy Smith (right) & Co. Buckeyes by 10.

2. Auburn. The Tigers got bored about one minute into their game against I-AA Buffalo and went through the motions to get the victory. It wasn’t a total romp because the third-stringers probably played the whole second half. Can you tell the Pundit didn’t watch this one?
Next week’s opponent: South Carolina
Prediction: This is a home game for the Gamecocks, but the Pundit is not sniffing an upset. Spurrier has made them respectable again but not against this defense. Auburn will win in entertaining but decisive fashion.

3. West Virginia. This should have been a blowout in the Pundit’s mind, but the Mountaineers struggled mightily in topping Maryland. The Mountaineers need all the big wins they can get because of a weaker schedule, so they lose some face with this one.
Next week’s opponent: Idle
Random Thought: This could be a sign of trouble for West Virginia. Most teams want their byes after a tough conference matchup, not after some patsy. Could this early bye end up hurting them? The Pundit is just throwing that thought out there…

4. USC. The Trojans looked flat in a victory over Arizona, as its offense lacked the normal sizzle. They can’t afford this type of performance against a real team. Sorry Tedy… not.
Next week’s opponent: Washington State
Prediction: Washington State is 3-1 and seems to have turned the corner after a long rebuilding process initiated by Bill Doba. However, they barely squeaked by Baylor and handily beat two weaker teams in Idaho and Stanford. The Pundit thinks the Cougars will give the Trojans a good game but look for a big day from Dwayne Jarrett and John David Booty. Trojans by 21 in a high-scoring shootout.

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The Sports Truth is proud to bring you The Weigh-In, in which we break down prospective matchups within the world of sports (and sometimes pop culture) that you may never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Our newest edition is a showdown of pro football stars who claim the nickname LT. Who will come out on top in 10-round bout between NFL legend Lawrence Taylor and possible future NFL legend LaDainian Tomlinson? Let’s take a look:

1. RAW TALENT

Lawrence Taylor: Widely considered one of the greatest defensive players in NFL history due to his dominance and the impact of his presence offenses
LaDainian Tomlinson: Widely considered one of the best running backs in the NFL with combination of power, speed and versatility
Edge: Even

2. COLLEGE CAREER

Lawrence Taylor: Broke numerous defensive records at North Carolina, which would later retire his jersey
LaDainian Tomlinson: Heisman Trophy finalist as a senior at TCU; ran for 5,263 career yards, ranking sixth in Division I history; Holds NCAA records for most rushing yards in a game (406).
Edge: LaDainian

3. FIRST FIVE SEASONS

Lawrence Taylor: Three NFL Defensive Player of the Year awards, one NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year award, one NFL MVP award
LaDainian Tomlinson: 7,361 rushing yards, 9,753 total yards, NFL record 80 touchdowns
Edge: Even

4. FANTASY FOOTBALL VALUE

Lawrence Taylor: No matter how great, defensive players just aren’t worth that much
LaDainian Tomlinson: Irreplaceable
Edge: LaDainian

5. TEAM ACHIEVEMENTS

Lawrence Taylor: Giants went 9-4 in the playoffs with Taylor suiting up, winning two Super Bowls
LaDainian Tomlinson: Chargers have made one playoff appearance in LT’s career, losing to the Jets
Edge: Lawrence

6. UNORTHODOX TACTICS

Lawrence Taylor: Sending hookers to opposing players’ hotels the night before the game
LaDainian Tomlinson: Throwing halfback pass, diving over the pile from several yards away to score TDs
Edge: Lawrence

7. GOLF GAME

Lawrence Taylor: Plays every damn day, but gambles excessively
LaDainian Tomlinson: Hosts annual LaDainian Tomlinson Celebrity Invitational Golf Tournament to raise money for local charities
Edge: Even

8. STREET CRED

Lawrence Taylor: Once claimed he did not know anyone who wasn’t a prostitute, drug dealer or thug
LaDainian Tomlinson: Tough dude, but squeaky clean
Edge: Lawrence

9. PERSONAL QUOTE

Lawrence Taylor: “Let’s go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs, baby! Woo!”
LaDainian Tomlinson: “Some people say I’m the best back in the NFL, that’s what drives you me… you want everyone saying there’s no doubt who’s the best.”
Edge: Lawrence

10. BIGGEST CRITICISM

Lawrence Taylor: Engaged in almost unthinkable excess
LaDainian Tomlinson: Shoplifts nicknames
Edge: LaDainian

THE VERDICT: The younger LT battled gamely, but there can be only one… and nothing beats the original, who escapes with a 5.5-4.5 victory. He probably bet on it, too — the opening line was Lawrence (-1).

When you’re a small-time gambling addict with an appreciation for the absurd, it’s simply too easy to plop down $10 against the Saints.

You and your friend Alexander Hamilton must instead bet on the Saints… and the Falcons. To be more specific, that neither team will score in the first 7:07 of their Monday Night battle in the Big Easy. That’s right. I was pulling for the clock.

The logic involved in this wager was four-fold:

1. The Saints are not good, and therefore would not score early
2. Atlanta runs the football often, so any drive would consume time
3. As opposed to wagering on Atlanta and subsequently feeling bad betting against beleaguered New Orleans, this provided guilt-free fun
4. It was a funny bet

It seemed so right. Of course, three plays from scrimmage, 90 seconds and one blocked punt later, the Saints took a 7-0 lead and never looked back. Good times.

We may have lost the Ryder Cup, but this wasn’t the worst sports weekend for the U.S. of A. In another grudge match with our European counterparts, the Red, White & Blue pulled it out in dramatic fashion.

Despite the European team entering the last day of the match narrowly ahead, an impressive performance by the Americans in the final rounds of the individual contest swept them to a convincing victory in the Warren Buffett Challenge Match, also held in Ireland from September 18-21.

We are talking, of course, about bridge.

More specifically, the Buffett Cup, an event founded by investor Warren Buffett, one of the world’s richest men and an avid player. The Berkshire Hathaway founder, whose fortune has been estimated at over $40 billion, has always had a passion for bridge, which he plays at times with a deck of cards inscribed “Make Checks Payable to Warren Buffett.”

Buffett (left, with friend and bridge partner Bill Gates), has this to say about his favorite card game:

“It’s got to be the best intellectual exercise out there. You’re seeing through new situations every 10 minutes… In the stock market you don’t base your decisions on what the market is doing, but on what you think is rational… Bridge is about weighing gain/loss ratios. You’re doing calculations all the time.”

In the inaugural match, the Americans finished ahead by 23 championship points, equivalent to nearly six matches, having won all five of the final five rounds, including two clean sweeps in Rounds 8 and 9. A rematch of the “Ryder Cup of Bridge” will take place in Kentucky in September 2008. Go team! U-S-A!

Just two weeks after announcing his separation from Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown took his single self to the Las Vegas strip. Tiring of feeling sorry for himself and getting busy with mistress Karrine Steffans, Brown arrived in Vegas Friday ready to blow off some steam.

He’s keeping some exclusive company, too. Saturday, Whitney’s soon-to-be ex was observed partying at Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace with none other than former World Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson.

The two were reportedly in good spirits, refraining from assaulting or eating anybody as they cheerily greeted fans while making their way through the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. It’s a good thing no one asked Mike what the f*%k is up with the tattoo on his face.

What stands out about this report? Apparently, there are still fans of a singer that hasn’t had a hit in over a decade and a convicted rapist who hasn’t won a real bout in about that long. One can only guess what would ensue if these “fans” laid eyes on an actual celebrity.

Bedlam. Then again, there seem to be fans of John Rocker out there, too. Or at least people who will do business with him. Possibly. Forget it.

Remember John Rocker? The guy who was a nasty reliever for about a year and a half, then was exposed a nasty individual?

Well, he’s still out there, somewhere, trying to (re)make a name for himself. From his new website, JohnRocker.net, we’ve determined that he supports people with disabilities, the NYPD, Hurricane Katrina relief efforts, even cuddly little kittens.

It’s quite moving. Our favorite part of Rocker’s site (besides the event schedule or the information about booking John for your next event), is his bio, which reads:

Rocker joined the Big Leagues in 1998, where he would close for the next 3 1/2 years. He pitched in two National League Championships and one World Series. He pitched 21 1/3 scoreless playoff innings.

After attempting a comeback to baseball with the Long Island Ducks in 2005, Rocker decided to give up the game and focus on his other businesses, real estate developments and IP Promotions, Inc., a streaming video company.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but there appear to be a few noteworthy moments omitted from the Statesboro, Ga., native’s life story. Something about New York’s #7 Train comes to mind? People deserve second chances and all, but come on. Rocker makes Forrest Gump quotes seem profound… and at least that guy was actually nice.

No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: THE RYDER CUP

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1. Which would you rather have as captain: The superior 1-2-3 punch of Americans Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Jim Furyk, or the European team’s superior depth in roster spots 4-12?

JOEY BARGUY: Depth is for losers. No one ever made the playoffs because their farm team had surprising depth. The European team is a great representative of Europe: ununified and boring, nothing really special.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Are we really doing a Starting Five about the Ryder Cup? Seriously, I need more T.O. talk in my life.

LUCAS DWYER: First off, Woods and Furyk are rumored to be paired together which off-sets their supposed impact on other players. Second, only Mickleson averages over a half a point per match (i.e., winning more matches than losing) and his margin is .51 (Woody is .40, Furyk .33). This is a team event. The U.S. will need more than the big three. Give me depth or give me death.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: Only on Sunday, when 12 singles matches decide the Cup, are all the team members required to play. So the first 16 points will be decided largely by the elite players on both teams, giving the Americans the chance to set the tone. Europe’s depth is formidable, but not insurmountable.

MICHAEL BRIAN: I’m going to have to go with the European team, if only because I find my captaining skills greatly improve when I feel free to make the occasional porn joke.

2. Some say the technique and nerve-wracking nature of match play make it the purest form of golf. Should more tournaments adopt the Ryder Cup’s uniquely challenging format?

JOEY BARGUY: Who says that? I like predicability, and then I can frame the event with my remote control. Sometimes a birdie at the 4th hole on Friday afternoon at the Masters decides the tournament — especially if it’s the only hole I watch. Don’t tell me what’s exciting, you arrogant Europeans.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Do you know where I can get those pics of Tiger’s wife?

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Okay… The Pundit admits a bad week on his Power Five predictions.

Surprise upsets and unexpected humiliations are what college football is all about after all. Even The Pundit loses once in awhile. However, all of you Pundit fans, have faith. The editor of this site will vouch that The Pundit was a little queasy on Notre Dame late in the week, so any Pundit-bashers can still kiss his holier-than-thou a$$.

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THE PUNDIT’S POWER FIVE

1. Ohio State. Cincinnati Bearcats? The last time they were relevant in college football was… oops, they have never been. The Buckeyes were looking past them with their slow start last week.
Next week’s opponent: Penn State
Prediction: The Pundit wasn’t impressed with the Nittany Lions against Notre Dame. Ohio State should romp at home and win by three touchdowns at least.

2. West Virginia. Maryland? Ha! Steve Slaton made ol’ Ralphie look like a fool for not giving him a ride (and he wanted to go to Maryland).
Next week’s opponent: East Carolina
Prediction: Some people are probably questioning the ranking here, but The Pundit believes the Mountaineers are that good. They will dispatch the Pirates with little trouble.

3. Auburn. They took out LSU, 7-3, and made The Pundit look bad. This is a solid team across the board with a particularly nasty defense.
Next week’s Opponent: Buffalo
Prediction: The Tigers scheduled the laughingstock of Division I-A football (aside from Temple that is) to get a breather in their tough SEC schedule. This is a 70-0 score waiting to happen. Get ready second- and third- stringers, you’ll get a chance to show your stuff this weekend.

4. USC. The Pundit has been dreading this day, but it has to happen — the Trojans are back in the Power Five. Pete Carroll (pictured) is a great coach and has got his team cruising after losing a ton of NFL talent. The Pundit still wonders, every time the Trojans win, what would happen if they played in the SEC.
Next week’s opponent: Arizona
Prediction: Tedy Bruschi’s alma mater won’t get any love this year with this schedule. Trojans by 30 in a snoozefest.

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Last summer, NBA commissioner David Stern took action in an attempt to ease the disconnect between his product and his customers. Figuring an older, more mature league would be an easier sell to a fan base alienated by poor team play and boorish conduct, Stern installed a rule requiring players to be at least 19 years old and one year removed from high school when they enter the NBA Draft.

The little man who rules with an iron fist wanted to protect his de facto minor league system, college basketball, which markets new talent free of charge each March. It was a business decision, and one that will boost the level of play at both the college level (where we will actually get to see the elite stars, if only for a year) and the NBA (where they will arrive with more experience).

What this ignores, according to last Sunday’s Boston Globe magazine, is the human fallout.

A few players such as Ron Artest — NBA Public Enemy #1, and a guy who played in college — are the cause of the league’s problems, but it’s the high schoolers who pay the price.

High school phenoms don’t have a right to NBA stardom, but they should have a chance.

Who is David Stern to decree that someone must spend a year in college and potentially risk (through injury, mediocre play, bad coaching, etc.) a life-altering sum of money?

Take the case of Sebastian Telfair (pictured), a member of one of the last classes of high schoolers allowed to enter the draft. Two years after being drafted by Portland, the 21-year-old was traded to Boston this June.

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Entering tonight’s game, Philadelphia first baseman Ryan Howard (right) has 57 home runs. With 11 games to go, he has a chance to reach the once-mythic 60 home run pantheon. Has anyone noticed? Does anyone care?

The answer is that no one knows how to react. What was the most hallowed individual record in sports is now so tainted that Howard’s pursuit of 60 is an afterthought. The media surely hopes he won’t get there, so they won’t have to discuss it.

People seem to believe that with improved testing and suspicion hanging over Major League Baseball, the 26-year-old phenom cannot be on steroids.

Likewise, I’ve never heard it suggested that today’s top power hitters — Alex Rodriguez, David Ortiz, Albert Pujols, and idiot savant Manny Ramirez — are juiced, and I firmly believe they aren’t.

But what do I, or any observer, know at this point? The 60-homer mark is damaged goods, has been since 1998, and will be for decades to come. It’s a sad, undeniable fact. As Howard makes his push to join this elite club, let’s take a look back at the last man to join it without a cloud of suspicion over his head, and whose achievement 45 years ago still stands head and shoulders above the rest.

In the fall of 1961, Roger Maris closed in the unthinkable single-season record of 60 home runs held by the great Babe Ruth. Steroids were decades away from transforming the game, but the Yankee outfielder was universally maligned by media during his pursuit, with everyone from average fans to the commissioner of baseball hoping Ruth’s record would remain intact.

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