The Sports Truth

The Sports Truth has its eye on sports… and enjoys nothing more than to spout its truthiness at every turn. So with a nod to the the incomparable Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, we pay tribute to recent developments in the sports world with our very own version of the “On Notice” board. We have no intention of letting stat corrections, K-Fed and marathon-running cyclists off the hook:

Certainly an eclectic assortment of items, individuals, and inanimate objects in the crosshairs this time around. Time for an in-depth look at what the Sports Truth is putting on notice:

1. With Brandon Webb being named the National League’s most outstanding pitcher for 2006, the legendary hurler for whom the award is named must be rolling in his grave. Or scratching his head trying to figure out who the hell Brandon Webb is.
2. O.J. Simpson may be the worst person on the planet, but Regan Books, the company publishing his newest literary work, If I Did It, is selling out and giving this waste of oxygen a forum. You’re on notice, Regan Books. And most likely going to hell. Dress accordingly.
3. 51.1. The amount, in millions, the Boston Red Sox will pay on top of any contract offered Daisuke Matsuzaka. We understand the craftiness in bidding $51.1M instead of $50M, but when the next-highest bid is rumored to be around $40M? Come on, people!
4. He struck gold when he somehow convinced Britney Spears to marry him, but Kevin Federline couldn’t keep it together. His antics and deadbeat nature forced Brit to divorce him, costing him access to millions of dollars, private jets, a hot wife and two of his four kids. Nice work, K-Fed!
5. No one decides to run the N.Y. City Marathon on a whim, finishes in under three hours, then says they thought it’d be easier. Whatever designer steroids Lance Armstrong is on, we condemn thee.
6. Hey, NFL: Next time you go change the scoring of a critical play days after it happened remember that some of our fantasy football seasons are on the line.
7. College basketball season hath begun. That means more Dook than a sane person can stomach.
8. Package stores make the list for two reasons. One, New Englanders’ moronic insistence that they be called package stores. It’s a liquor store, not a UPS or FedEx depot! Second, for their recent scare campaign in Massachusetts. The Sports Truth could not care less if grocery stores in the Bay State sell booze, but the liquor store lobby’s assertions that mass hysteria and anarchy would ensure if they did signaled a new low in political advertising. And cost us $20.

The Sports Truth has its eye on sports… and likes nothing more than to spout its truthiness at every turn. So with a nod to the the incomparable Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, we pay tribute to the week in sports with our very own version of the “On Notice” board. Don’t ever think you can pull a fast one on us, BCS. We’ve got our eye on you!

Yes, it’s quite an interesting group of personalities and inanimate objects. Let’s run down the list of what’s officially on notice, shall we?

1. It’s gonna be a tough week for Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Not only is he bad, but his name is Tony Romo. Romo! That’s just asking for it.
2. The BCS eats it, and always will. It’s sad to find yourself pulling for some team to get screwed out of the national championship hunt in hopes of the NCAA realizing how retarded its system is, but that’s where we’re at.
3. Kenny Rogers claims he puts dirt on his hand to help grip the ball. The Sports Truth isn’t so sure… especially since the Gambler didn’t give up a run in the playoffs. Yes, the World Series is over, but we’re still watching you, pine tar.
4. The Wisconsin marching band apparently believes it’s okay to haze people. We agree, but at least get caught doing stuff that’s a little more interesting, guys.
5. David Stern is politely asking NBA players not to pack heat. No word yet on whether black market glock futures have tanked.
6. While sponsorship is nothing new, it may have hit a new low with Jobing.com, which just acquired the naming rights to the Phoenix Coyotes’ facility.
7. College basketball season is right around the corner, and not only are the Duke Blue Devils incredibly annoying, but the first girl I dated in high school went there after breaking up with me. We tried to be “just friends,” but I could only stomach that for so long, as other word out of her mouth was how great Duke is and blah, blah, blah. We get it. It’s a good school. They have a basketball team. Get over yourselves. Suffice it to say, the Devils might be on the Big Board to stay.
8. Tim McCarver. Enough said.