The Sports Truth

After riding to victories over cancer and in a record seven consecutive Tour de France races, anything would be a step down for the great Lance Armstrong.

Might as well make that step a cataclysmic free-fall with Ashley Olsen.

The strange new couple was spotted at New York hotspot Rose Bar on October 29 by an eyewitness who says “they were being very flirtatious.”

The very next night, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen took in Broadway play Young Frankenstein, then enjoyed dinner and wine at the Waverly Inn.

And while Lance Armstrong prepped to run last Sunday’s New York Marathon for the second straight year, the lovers shacked up at a posh Soho hotel, where both had booked rooms. Sounds to us like a full house… of hot, weird love!

The Sports Truth has its eye on sports… and enjoys nothing more than to spout its truthiness at every turn. So with a nod to the the incomparable Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, we pay tribute to recent developments in the sports world with our very own version of the “On Notice” board. We have no intention of letting stat corrections, K-Fed and marathon-running cyclists off the hook:

Certainly an eclectic assortment of items, individuals, and inanimate objects in the crosshairs this time around. Time for an in-depth look at what the Sports Truth is putting on notice:

1. With Brandon Webb being named the National League’s most outstanding pitcher for 2006, the legendary hurler for whom the award is named must be rolling in his grave. Or scratching his head trying to figure out who the hell Brandon Webb is.
2. O.J. Simpson may be the worst person on the planet, but Regan Books, the company publishing his newest literary work, If I Did It, is selling out and giving this waste of oxygen a forum. You’re on notice, Regan Books. And most likely going to hell. Dress accordingly.
3. 51.1. The amount, in millions, the Boston Red Sox will pay on top of any contract offered Daisuke Matsuzaka. We understand the craftiness in bidding $51.1M instead of $50M, but when the next-highest bid is rumored to be around $40M? Come on, people!
4. He struck gold when he somehow convinced Britney Spears to marry him, but Kevin Federline couldn’t keep it together. His antics and deadbeat nature forced Brit to divorce him, costing him access to millions of dollars, private jets, a hot wife and two of his four kids. Nice work, K-Fed!
5. No one decides to run the N.Y. City Marathon on a whim, finishes in under three hours, then says they thought it’d be easier. Whatever designer steroids Lance Armstrong is on, we condemn thee.
6. Hey, NFL: Next time you go change the scoring of a critical play days after it happened remember that some of our fantasy football seasons are on the line.
7. College basketball season hath begun. That means more Dook than a sane person can stomach.
8. Package stores make the list for two reasons. One, New Englanders’ moronic insistence that they be called package stores. It’s a liquor store, not a UPS or FedEx depot! Second, for their recent scare campaign in Massachusetts. The Sports Truth could not care less if grocery stores in the Bay State sell booze, but the liquor store lobby’s assertions that mass hysteria and anarchy would ensure if they did signaled a new low in political advertising. And cost us $20.

Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong is branching out these days. In this picture, Lance is shown gutting out the last 100-yard dash to the finish during the New York City Marathon Sunday, crossing the finish line in 2:59:36.

Naturally, Lance beat his personal goal of three hours — and managed to barely cover the official spread of 56:12 over the Sports Truth’s own Jane Murray, who completed the 26.2-mile course in a still-impressive 3:56:29.

Despite failing to beat Lance (to the chagrin of sports betting fiends everywhere), Murray, a native of Long Island, was satisfied with her effort in breaking her personal goal of four hours flat.

“Yes, very much so,” said Murray, 25, when asked if she was pleased with her performance. “I was also pleased by the crowd’s reaction to my ‘Eat it, Lance’ sign.”

As for Armstrong, he chose not to engage in a war of words, focusing instead on the “respectable” time he posted in his first marathon.

“I think I bit off more than I could chew. I thought the marathon would be easier,” said Armstrong, who had no comment on Murray’s time.

Excuse me, but what running novice turns in a sub-three-hour marathon, then says afterward that they thought it would be easier? Unbelievable. This guy has a lot of nerve. And steroids. Lots and lots of steroids.

For his next trick, Lance will compile the 10,000 signatures required to get his name the ballot, stage a grass-roots write-in campaign, and become elected Governor of Texas in tomorrow’s elections.

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven times … in a row! That’s a lot. But can he even win the New York City Marathon once?

That’s the question two of our panelists cover this week, as they consider just how much stamina remains in Lance’s tank. Ask yourself, sports fans:

Can Lance Armstrong actually win the NYC Marathon?

Is running really that different than cycling? A world class marathoner is presumably in superior physical shape, with tremendous lower-body strength and endurance. Hmm. These seem like reachable hurdles for the best athlete on Earth.
As incredible as the accomplishments of world-class runners are, let’s face it - there’s no skill involved. Marathoners practice hard and run really fast for hours. The best conditioned entrant wins. End of story.

I’m not insinuating that running marathons isn’t challenging. Far from it. The only running I do is to the nearest Dunkin Donuts (which isn’t far in any direction here in New England). I’m just saying that if focal points of an event are drive and endurance, only a fool would question Lance. He is not trying to hit curveballs or sink three-pointers.

We’re talking about racing toward a finish line far, far away, something Armstrong is pretty familiar with. Not to mention good at. Studies have shown that his inordinately high anaerobic threshold allows him to sustain muscle performance for longer periods of time.

And come on. Do you really think anyone can beat Armstrong when he puts his mind and body toward conquering a new challenge? You think he can’t decide to run circles around a bunch of amateurs after dispatching elite cyclists and advanced cancer over the course of a decade? Think defending champ Paul Tergat likes his chances to repeat?

Did anyone outside of East Africa know who Paul was before I dropped his name 10 seconds ago? Of course not. He’s a mortal. Armstrong is Roger Federer, Pedro Martinez (circa 1999), Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods rolled into one.

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