The Sports Truth

Washington Redskins lineman Ethan Albright may have worked his tail off to make it to the NFL, establishing himself as one of the league’s best and most consistent long snappers, and a special teams player who has appeared in all 16 games for each of the past 10 seasons (Buffalo, 1996-2000; Washington, 2001-05).

But that’s not enough to win any respect from John Madden and EA Sports, the makers of Madden NFL 2007. Upon realizing that he had been saddled with the video game’s worst overall rating, 53, Alright unleashed his wrath against Madden in a highly-amusing, sometimes-profane tirade. Here’s what he had to say:

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright.

I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is f**king bullsh!t and you should kiss my mother-f**king a$$.

Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-d!ck. Go do Al Michaels or something.

Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly sh!t and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. F**k, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded.

Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your a$$.

I basically edged out Rod by my lack of sh!t teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. F**k, man, there are some sh!tty players out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

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