The Sports Truth

The Sports Truth is proud to bring you The Weigh-In, in which we break down prospective matchups within the world of sports (and sometimes pop culture) that you may never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Our latest edition is too close to call, and may be controversial, but is sure to be one for the ages. When figure skater Sasha Cohen and British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, a.k.a. Borat, do battle for all the marbles, there’s no telling what might go down. Who can outwit, outfox, and out-triple-axel their opponent? Let’s find out. Ding, ding!

1. RESIDENCE

Sasha Cohen: The O.C. (Orange County)
Sacha Baron Cohen: England (or Kazakhstan)
Edge: Sasha Baron Cohen

2. EASTERN EUROPEAN ROOTS

Sasha Cohen: Mother is Ukrainian; Sasha is a nickname for her given name, Alexandra; Can understand and speak basic Russian.
Sacha Baron Cohen: Conceptualized and acts as Borat Sagdiyev, a fictional and highly entertaining, sometimes offensive journalist from Kazakhstan
Edge: Sasha Cohen

3. SIGNATURE MOVE

Sasha Cohen: Unusual dexterity, impeccable spiral sequences, triple lutz, toe and salchow combinations
Sacha Baron Cohen: Lampooning various aspects of modern culture, including sexism, racism, homophobia, and jingoist ideals, through the oddball comedy characters he creates
Edge: Sasha Cohen

4. EARLY INFLUENCES

Sasha Cohen: Parents Roger and Galina, skating coach John Nicks
Sacha Baron Cohen: Habonim Dror Jewish Youth Group, Cambridge Footlights
Edge: Even

5. CAREER MILESTONES

Sasha Cohen: Won U.S. national championship, Olympic silver medial in 2006
Sacha Baron Cohen: Won a British Academy of Film and Television Arts award, received an Emmy nomination
Edge: Sasha Cohen

6. FILM & TV CREDITS

Sasha Cohen: Numerous commercials; Appeared as herself on NBC’s Las Vegas, and in Project Runway, where designers were challenged to design a skating dress for her; will play herself in Blades of Glory, a 2007 figure skating comedy starring Will Ferrell.
Sacha Baron Cohen: Rose to fame on Britain’s The Eleven O’Clock Show; Hosted his own Da Ali G Show; Lent his voice to Madagascar and appeared in this year’s Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby; His feature film, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, opened Friday.
Edge: Sacha Baron Cohen

7. GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS

Sasha Cohen: 1,020,000
Sacha Baron Cohen: 3,000,000
Edge: Sacha Baron Cohen

8. LESSER-KNOWN TALENTS

Sasha Cohen: Gymnastics, ballet
Sacha Baron Cohen: In 1992, won silver medal at the world championships of ga-ga, a form of dodgeball thought to have originated in Israel.
Edge: Sasha Cohen

9. NOTABLE ADVERSARIES

Sasha Cohen: Irina Slutskaya, Michelle Kwan, Kimmie Meissner, Sarah and Emily Hughes, Fumie Suguri
Sacha Baron Cohen: Millions of offended viewers, anyone he has interviewed
Edge: Sasha Baron Cohen

10. LEGS

Sasha Cohen: Pretty stellar.
Sacha Baron Cohen: No thanks.
Edge: Sasha Cohen

THE VERDICT: The crazy comic gave it his all, but couldn’t quite land the double-axel in the long program. So to speak. The younger, nimbler Sasha Cohen takes it by the narrow margin of 5.5-4.5. Don’t feel too sorry for Borat — the guy is too busy traveling around the U.S. offending people to care.

Posted in Sasha Cohen, The Weigh-In