The Sports Truth

No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: SPORT / NOT A SPORT: RELOADED

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1. Fishing: Sport? Not a sport? Why?

THE PUNDIT: Yes if you are by yourself, or with buddies drinking beer and talking smack. No if you are some redneck schmoe trying to support your family in Big Willie’s West Virginia Bass Shootout.

LUCAS DWYER: Not a sport. However, it did spawn one of the greatest hand-held games of all time. I don’t even remember the name of it, but the device was shaped like the beginnings of a fishing pole, with the screen where the reel was, and you had to physically move your arm to “cast” your line just like real fishing! Good times…

JOEY BARGUY: Not a sport, unless: A) in the water, and B) the fish could potentially kill you.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: The older and more athletically challenged I become, the more I come to enjoy activities like fishing. While not a sport, fishing has become a great passion of mine for several reasons. One, the epic Hemmingway-esque man-vs.-nature battle. Two, it’s a great excuse to drink beer and sit by a lake on a beautiful summer afternoon. And three, food. Catch it, kill it, eat it. Boo yea.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Not a sport. Unless you’re using dynamite.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: It certainly can be. What takes greater coordination, resolve, strength, skill and teamwork: three men combining to find, snare, and reel in an 850-pound bluefin tuna, or a sweeping ice with a broom? Take that, curling.

STEVEN VINCI: Fishing is not a sport. It’s a way to pass the time while sitting in a boat drinking cheap beer.

VERDICT: NOT A SPORT, 5-2

2. Darts: Sport? Not a sport? Why?

STEVEN VINCI: Darts can’t possibly be a sport, because you only play the game while drunk.

LUCAS DWYER: I feel like I’m being backed into a corner here. If pool is a sport, how can darts not be? However, I’m glad to see ESPN’s attempt at the “World Series of Darts” failed. Beyond the fact that watching someone shoot darts isn’t all that interesting, how is 501 a better game than cricket? If you’re gonna put a “World Series of Darts” on TV, at least play the game that we all play in local bars.

THE PUNDIT: Sport. Brings back great memories of the infamous battles with One Eyed Willie at the Jug back in the Pundit’s formative years.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Not a sport. But speaking of throwing stuff, can we play “Quarterback/Not a Quarterback”? This Pat White is not a quarterback, and West Virginia should be forced to pass the ball once. Just once.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Why isn’t there a cheedleading topic yet? Or is that coming in installment three?

JOEY BARGUY: Sport. Requires years of practice and is dangerous. If golf is a sport, darts are a sport.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: If baseball and poker are sports, then darts must be given the same classification. All three have a televised World Series. Case closed. One hundred and for-ty!

VERDICT: SPORT, 4-3

3. Curling: Sport? Not a sport? Why?

MICHAEL BRIAN: Not a sport. But mustache curling? That’s the sport of kings. Mustachioed kings.

STEVEN VINCI: Curling is a sport, but only in Canada and Scandinavian countries.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: I love curling, especially on live TV. But pushing stones into a circle on the ice while others clear the path with brooms is not a sport. It’s pure lunacy. Is driving the zamboni a sport, too? Plus, does anyone know why it’s even called curling?

Curling fans, send hate mail to steve@thesportstruth.com.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: If you can win an Olympic medal for it, then I’ll consider it a sport. Plus, the chicks are hot.

JOEY BARGUY: Sport. Better infield chatter than baseball.

LUCAS DWYER: Absolutely a sport, and the unquestioned highlight of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Watching curling in the mornings before work — some of the only live olympic coverage you could find — was highly entertaining and I have a newfound respect for how difficult the sport is.

THE PUNDIT: Sport. The Pundit considers curling one of those sports created just so the Canadians have more than just hockey and skiing to compete in.

VERDICT: SPORT, 5-2

4. Mechanical bull riding: Sport? Not a sport? Why?

JOEY BARGUY: Not a sport. Electronic games are not sports. If you can unplug the “sport,” it’s not a sport.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Not a sport but incredibly humorus when drunk at a bar and fellow drunk patrons think they can tame the bull. They get thrown on their ass. You point and laugh.

LUCAS DWYER: Not a sport. We’re really reaching for things to make fun of, huh?

THE PUNDIT: Hell no! Clear sub-standard imitation of the real thing. Kind of like thesportstruth.com. It’s a website, but not a really good one. F*%king chimps for editors.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Not a sport. But I would love to watch girls train for this.

STEVEN VINCI: Mechanical bull riding is only a sport for guys who wait for girls’ tops to fall off while riding one of these things.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: It’s a sport of the highest caliber, a battle of man against machine… or drunk chick against plaid flannel-wearing, toothpick-gnawing dirtbag operating a mechanized bull with joystick. This is what dreams are made of.

VERDICT: NOT A SPORT, 6-1

5. NBA Basketball: Sport? Not a sport? Why?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: I’ve been impressed with what I’ve seen over these first two days of the season, but I don’t expect it to last. I love the tighter leash on bitching after fouls, but still hate the complete lack of defense or urgency until five minutes left in the fourth quarter.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Not a sport. More like an athletic time passer between gun possession charges and fathering a child out of wedlock.

STEVEN VINCI: NBA Basketball is a sport, if only for parole officers. Sorry, David Stern, that was just a joke.

THE PUNDIT: It’s a sport, albeit not a very interesting one. Can’t someone start some contraction rumors or something?

MICHAEL STEPHENS: If we’re talking about the Western Conference, then sure. If Miami and Cleveland traded Dwyane Wade and LeBron James out west, the league could officially designate the Eastern Conference as the B League, not unlike the NL in baseball. Jeff Suppan the MVP of anything? Come on.

LUCAS DWYER: This must be a typo. I think the question was supposed to be WNBA basketball. In which case the answer is, of course, not a sport. How can you call something a sport when it’s played by people who can’t vote?

JOEY BARGUY: Sport. But it loses points because of the age restriction.

VERDICT: SPORT, 5-2

Posted in Starting Five