The Sports Truth

No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: NFL MIDSEASON REPORT

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1. When are the Colts going to lose?

STEVEN VINCI: December 10th at Jacksonville. The Jags’ defense did an excellent job last season against the Colts and Jack Del Rio won’t be stupid like Bill Belichick. The Jags will run the ball down the Colts’ throats and find a way to pull out the win.

LUCAS DWYER: At Jacksonville in Week 14. If the Jags can’t beat the Colts at home, the Colts won’t lose this year, 16-0.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: At Jacksonville, Week 14. Boy, that David Garrard (right) sure knows how to manage a game! I predict 17-13.

THE PUNDIT: Week 14 at Jacksonville. A road game against a defense that can be nasty on any given Sunday.

MICHAEL BRIAN: When they are outscored by their opponent.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: They’re losing at Dallas a week from Sunday. The Cowboys’ roller coaster season entails them being embarrassed by Matt Leinart and Arizona this week and roaring back to throttle Indy on November 19. Or at least it would be amusing.

2. More likely to happen between now and the end of the year: Art Shell getting fired, Terrell Owens being de-activated, or another prominent player failing a test for steroids?

MICHAEL BRIAN: Art Shell gets fired. Goes back to his regular job as an Art Shell statue.

LUCAS DWYER: It’s all about tying it in and I’m still convinced that Shawn Alexander is going to test positive for steroids. Art Shell’s shocking two wins have probably spared him from being fired mid-season, and putting Tony Romo in for Drew Bledsoe was the best T.O.-quieting thing anyone has done in five years.

THE PUNDIT: Another player getting nailed for steroids. Art Shell and the Raiders will perform better in the second half. T.O. will not get de-activated.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: I’d rather see the whole offense unit of the Raiders be released, but Art Shell will probably get the axe even though it’s not his fault. Andrew Walter is offically the new Drew Bledsoe.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: Shell will probably last until the end of the year at least, since Al Davis felt so badly about axing him the previous time. Steroid tests are hard to handicap. So we’ll go with Terrell Owens. Sure, everything’s good now. But what about after a few Cowboys losses and Drew Bledsoe replacing an injured Tony Romo? Could get ugly.

STEVEN VINCI: Has to be Art Shell’s firing. I actually think he has already been fired, but the NFL is making Jesse Jackson watch films of all the Raider games so Jackson won’t file a lawsuit against the NFL for firing a minority coach.

3. In honor of this week’s elections, which NFL player would you like to see run for U.S. Senate?

THE PUNDIT: If we’re talking former players, Lawrence Taylor. I really think that would be fun mudslinging campaign. Same with Michael Irvin. Current players would have to include T.O. and Joey Porter. The mouths on these guys would surely make it interesting.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Brett Favre, because this Iraq thing would look a lot better with him at the helm. I mean, people love him for sticking around for far too long in a losing situation.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: Michael Strahan (left). He’s a proven leader, a veteran, and has a smile made for campaign posters. Honorable mention goes to his teammate, Eli Manning, whose expression of utter dismay and confusion after screwing up would make him a natural on Capitol Hill.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Chad Johnson of course. Maybe then I’d actually vote.

LUCAS DWYER: Manny Ramirez would unquestionably be the best U.S. Senator Massachusetts has ever had, but since we’re talking NFL players, I’d love to see Drew Bledsoe run for office solely so we could witness the Drew Bledsoe face during a debate.

***** Political Diatribe Alert *****

STEVEN VINCI: Too many choices, but I’m going with both Tiki Barber and Tom Brady. Tiki could get Hillary Clinton out of New York and Brady could replace either Ted Kennedy or John Kerry. Both of these changes would be huge improvements. Of course, Brady would have to get dumber in order to hold office in Massachusetts.

4. Spare your wives/girlfriends/drinking buddies and take a few sentences to rant about the success/failure of your fantasy football team thus far.

LUCAS DWYER: Playoffs?? Playoffs?!?! We’re just trying to win a game! At 3-6, the squad needs to win out to have a shot at a playoff spot, even in a poor division. McGahee and Hasselback’s injuries have not helped at all.

THE PUNDIT: I have lost three games on Monday night alone, all by 5 points or less. My lack of a true monster running back has cost me a few games, as has Carson Palmer’s swollen vaginal crease. If my team played up to potential I could roll anyone in my league. That just has yet to happen.

STEVEN VINCI: 6-3 and holding a 2 1/2 game lead over the fifth place position! Just got a win with both Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress not playing!

MICHAEL STEPHENS: Riding a three-game win streak after digging myself a 2-4 hole. See my Fantasy Football Diary for the full rundown if you care, which you hopefully don’t.

MICHAEL BRIAN: My wife’s girlfriend’s drinking buddy ran over my fantasy team. With the truck I drafted in the first round of my fantasy truck league. Now that truck has a flat tire and is out indefinitely. Also, I’m falling fast in my fantasy funny response league.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: When kicker Robbie Gould and the Ravens defense are your most consistent scorers, you know you’re in trouble. I’m currently in last place at 3-6 and second to last in total points. My girlfriend’s team is beating me and the team that I made up (we needed even amount of teams for the league) and drafted for as a joke with injured and poorly-rated players is doing better than me. I’ve made the most moves and have rarely found a winning combination. I thought my fantasy football draft went well, nabbing Antonio Gates, Matt Hasslebeck, Rudi Johnson, Julius Jones, Cadillac Williams and Anquan Boldin, but no. Still in last with a bunch of losers and gimps on my team. But there’s still plenty of time left to turn it around. I know Mr. Rex Grossman won’t let me down!

5. Who’s been the MVP of the first half of the season, and who will be the MVP in the second half?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Peyton Manning easily. In the second half, look for Larry Johnson or LaDanian Tomlinson to step it up and carry their teams to playoff berths.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Maybe it’s the Chiefs fan in me, or the infant inside of that fan, but Damon Huard has worked wonders for Kansas City. However, he’s not going to be the starter once Trent Green comes back, and rumor has it that Bono is working on an uplifting song about Drew Brees (working title either “Red, White and Drew” or “A Summer Brees”) that should put him over the top. And make U2 enough money to keep Bono in sunglasses for quite some time.

STEVEN VINCI: Obvious choice, but it has to be Peyton Manning in the first half. The Colts’ defense is terrible and they have not found a consistent running game, yet they are undefeated. You don’t have to like Peyton, but he’s still the best. Let’s go out on a limb and say Eli Manning for the second half. The Giants’ D is banged up, the offensive line is banged up, Amani Toomer’s out for the year, Burress has a bad back and Jeremy Shockey has one leg, but the Giants keep winning. If they go 6-2 in the second half, Eli will have to get some respect.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: I’d split it three ways between Steve McNair, Drew Brees and Bill Parcells. Those two quarterbacks have stepped into situations in which many thought they’d fail, and have led their teams to 6-2 marks. In Dallas, Parcells not suffering a heart attack and keeping the ‘Boys at 4-4 at the midway point is impressive, given that circus.

LUCAS DWYER: As much as it pains me to admit this, Peyton Manning has been phenomenal and the epitome of Most Valuable Player. Where would the Colts be without Manning? 3-5? 2-6? Even the Patriots have a running game, something the Colts can’t speak of. Others recieving votes: Steve McNair, Larry Johnson and Drew Brees.

THE PUNDIT: LT. Without him the Chargers would suck ass. Close second: Tom Brady, for the same reason. In the second half, LJ will make or break the Chiefs. I’m picking this one based on the effect of winning. Whoever picks Manning here has balls the size of peas.

Posted in NFL, Starting Five