The Sports Truth

The Sports Truth has its eye on sports… and enjoys nothing more than to spout its truthiness at every turn. So with a nod to the the incomparable Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central’s The Colbert Report, we pay tribute to recent developments in the sports world with our very own version of the “On Notice” board. We have no intention of letting stat corrections, K-Fed and marathon-running cyclists off the hook:

Certainly an eclectic assortment of items, individuals, and inanimate objects in the crosshairs this time around. Time for an in-depth look at what the Sports Truth is putting on notice:

1. With Brandon Webb being named the National League’s most outstanding pitcher for 2006, the legendary hurler for whom the award is named must be rolling in his grave. Or scratching his head trying to figure out who the hell Brandon Webb is.
2. O.J. Simpson may be the worst person on the planet, but Regan Books, the company publishing his newest literary work, If I Did It, is selling out and giving this waste of oxygen a forum. You’re on notice, Regan Books. And most likely going to hell. Dress accordingly.
3. 51.1. The amount, in millions, the Boston Red Sox will pay on top of any contract offered Daisuke Matsuzaka. We understand the craftiness in bidding $51.1M instead of $50M, but when the next-highest bid is rumored to be around $40M? Come on, people!
4. He struck gold when he somehow convinced Britney Spears to marry him, but Kevin Federline couldn’t keep it together. His antics and deadbeat nature forced Brit to divorce him, costing him access to millions of dollars, private jets, a hot wife and two of his four kids. Nice work, K-Fed!
5. No one decides to run the N.Y. City Marathon on a whim, finishes in under three hours, then says they thought it’d be easier. Whatever designer steroids Lance Armstrong is on, we condemn thee.
6. Hey, NFL: Next time you go change the scoring of a critical play days after it happened remember that some of our fantasy football seasons are on the line.
7. College basketball season hath begun. That means more Dook than a sane person can stomach.
8. Package stores make the list for two reasons. One, New Englanders’ moronic insistence that they be called package stores. It’s a liquor store, not a UPS or FedEx depot! Second, for their recent scare campaign in Massachusetts. The Sports Truth could not care less if grocery stores in the Bay State sell booze, but the liquor store lobby’s assertions that mass hysteria and anarchy would ensure if they did signaled a new low in political advertising. And cost us $20.

Posted in Daisuke Matsuzaka, Lance Armstrong, O.J. Simpson, On Notice