The Sports Truth

No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: STEROIDS IN SPORTS

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1. Which sport do you think has the most steroid use?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Baseball. As it’s been proven over the years, basketball players and NFL playmakers don’t need insane strength to be successful. In other words, white people need ‘roids to be athletic.

THE PUNDIT: If you changed this question to performance enhancers, that would be more appropriate, because GH and some others arent tested by the NFL and other leagues. Track and field uses the most, followed closely by football. Track athletes almost have to use the juice these days to stay competitive, and football players need them (the untested GH in particular) to recover from the poundings they take.

STEVEN VINCI: Probably golf. These guys are hitting the ball farther and farther every week, and Phil Mickelson just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

LUCAS DWYER: I’m reluctant to say “steriod use” anymore because with all the hGh rumors floating around, you get the feeling guys have moved on to more advanced substances. I do think, however, the greatest substance abuse occurs in the NFL. It has to. These guys are freakishly large and the game has a far greater possibility for injury than any other sport.

JOEY BARGUY: Tie — men’s bodybuilding and The Orthopedist Olympics.

2. Would you care if your favorite athlete took steroids?

JOEY BARGUY: All of my favorite athletes are dead or animals, so no.

LUCAS DWYER: I’m not gonna lie, the large head and the gap in the front two teeth (tell-tale signs of of hGh use — see Shaun Alexander as well) scare the heck out of me with David Ortiz. Fortunately, my favorite player is Manny Ramirez, and there’s no way he could even figure out how to take hGh.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Yes and no. If Cal Ripken, Jr. was found to have used steroids during his historic consecutive games streak, then I probably would have abandoned sports forever. But if Hulk Hogan took a shot in the ass every day in order to win the WWF Heavyweight championship in the early ’90s, more power to him.

THE PUNDIT: The Pundit would honestly be dismayed if he found out that Michael Johnson’s track dominance was aided with steriods but he also wouldnt be surprised either.

STEVEN VINCI: Yes, I would care. A player who takes steroids is a fraud. Ask a Yankee fan what they thought about Jason Giambi two years ago. They thought he was a fraud and wanted his contract voided. Of course, he then started hitting home runs again, so now they love him.

3. Should proven steroid users be excluded from record books and/or the Hall of Fame?

STEVEN VINCI: Proven steroid users should never be recognized again by anyone or anything related to the sport or life in general.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: They should be included, but next to their plaque on the wall there should be a sign that reads, “I used steroids and am too much of woman to not hit home runs with my actual muscles.”

THE PUNDIT: This is a dicey question, because many records are accumulated over the course of a season or career, making it hard to determine what was legit and what was not. I think fans know when players are juicing and when records are fake and that’s what’s important.

Using Barry Bonds (right) as example, if he does break Hank Aaron’s record, we all know some of those balls were juiced and he will be the official record holder. But Aaron will always be the sentimental record holder. As for the Hall of Fame, every major one is filled with cheats, gamblers and womanizers — so again, it’s hard to DQ someone when some of their career is juiced and some is not. Bonds may be a schmoe, but he deserves to go in because he still would have put up great numbers, if not spectacular numbers.

JOEY BARGUY: YES. Athletes have proven that self-policing ethical lines are meaningless, and that oversight commitees must punish their crossing of moral lines by permanently banning them from their sport’s most hollowed institutions. There is a clear right and wrong on this issue, and players must decide which side of it they are on and stand firm.

Wait… on second thought, I mean NO.

LUCAS DWYER: This is such a loaded question because it’s impossible to get everyone. People make the arguement, especially with baseball, that steriods were not illegal until a few seasons ago. Hello? They’re against federal law? Is that not illegal enough for you? Nevertheless, at this point, you can’t identify all former “cheaters,” so I think all you can do is judge from here on out. Unfortunately.

4. Baseless accusations time: Name one pro athlete you are convinced is on the juice, even though you have no evidence whatsoever to prove it.

LUCAS DWYER: Time to bring it back, Def Comedy Jam style. Shaun Alexander. All I’ve got is the gap in the front two teeth and the big head.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. Obvious choices, but all you need to do is look at their baseball cards from when they first came in the league and compare them to now. Nothing could be more obvious. I also have my suspicions about Raiders kicker Sebastian Janakowski. Just a hunch.

JOEY BARGUY: David Ortiz. Heart murmur? Come on.

STEVEN VINCI: Since you are asking for baseless accusations, I can’t use Giambi, Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield, or Lance Armstrong. So I’ll go with David Eckstein (left).

THE PUNDIT: Hmmm…. this a tough one. [Sports Truth founder] Levi Matthews is one fast white boy… that kind of speed has to be unnatural.

5. How large a contract would it take for you to consider juicing?

THE PUNDIT: The Pundit is so full of natural whoop ass, he doesnt need the juice.

JOEY BARGUY: None. No offer could possibly make me comprise my set of ethics. They’re how I define myself. Wait… are you offering?

LUCAS DWYER: I’m the perfect example for this question because I’m never getting anywhere on physical prowess alone. I think half a million would do it for me. That’s quite a bit of money in one year.

STEVEN VINCI: Is this a trick question? For a few million I would certainly juice. Like Jeremy Giambi taught us, you can take steroids and make millions without even having to produce on the field.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: It would probably only take a million dollars for one year, but I’m hesitant because of the whole nut-shrinking thing.

Posted in Starting Five, Steroids