The Sports Truth

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Bow down before The Pundit’s cleats and revel in his omnipotence! 5-0 on predictions from last week’s Power Five! Another I-AA upset, courtesy of New Hampshire over Northwestern.

Any doubters of thine college football punditry may heretofore revel in their own foolishness.

THE PUNDIT’S POWER FIVE

1. Notre Dame. They handled Penn State pretty easily as expected. The Pundit is not convinced of the Lions’ worthiness, though, so Irish fans should not be thinking title yet.
This week’s opponent: #11 Michigan
Prediction: The Wolverines should prove to be a tougher challenge than the Lions. Michigan has a stud running back and a good passer. Too bad the Irish run defense is pretty solid. Another win for Notre Dame, but this time only by seven in a tight game.

2. Ohio State. They simply ripped Texas. Wow. Their defense impressed.
Next week’s opponent: Cincinatti
Prediction: If the Buckeyes don’t win this one by six touchdowns, they should drop football altogether.

3. LSU. Sorry, Teddy, but the Wildcats sucked last week. LSU romped in a snoozer.
Next week’s opponent: #3 Auburn
Prediction: This game is for all the marbles — in Week 3! A lot of people like Auburn this year, but I’m feeling LSU by three in the game of the week.

4. West Virginia. Eastern Washington thought they were good… until the Moutaineers ripped them a new a$$hole. They will be sh!tting in different directions for weeks on end.
Next week’s opponent: Maryland
Prediction: Maryland was a one hit wonder in the ACC under Ralph Friedgen. They will be blasted further back into obscurity this week. West Virginia by 28.

5. Auburn. A new entry in the Power Five. They crushed SEC whipping post Mississippi State a week ago.
Next week’s Opponent: #6 LSU
Prediction: I don’t know why Auburn is so good after losing so much to the NFL last year, but I’ll go with popular opinion and give them a chance. If they lose, they wont get back into the Power Five all year on principle. LSU by a field goal.

Teams most likely to break into the Top Five: USC (if they handn’t been idle, they might have been beaten out Auburn), Florida State (I hate ‘em but that defense is sick and will carry them), and Michigan (if they dump Notre Dame, they will earn some serious respect).

SEMI-ANNUAL CONFERENCE RANKINGS

Top Conference: SEC
Logic: From top to bottom, this league is stacked. The Pundit counts three teams in the AP Top 10 and three more in the Top 25, meaning half of the conference is ranked. Can anyone argue this one?
Conference Sad Sacks: Mississippi State,Kentucky

#2: ACC
Logic: The Pundit realizes that this conference has several teams ranked and the games are usually entertaining, but does anyone really pay attention to any team in the ACC outside of Florida State, Miami, and Virginia Tech? If answer yes to this question, you are more full of sh!t than the Pundit’s freshman year roommate.
Conference Nancy Boys: Duke

# 3 (TIE): Big 10 & Big 12
Logic: Half of each will give you a game while the other half simply sucks. Just look at the bowl performances of the last few years, in which both of these conferences have done poorly.
Conference Doormats: Big 10 — Indiana. Big 12 — The entire North Division except Nebraska (sorry Kansas State, you aren’t getting it done right now).

#5: Big East
Logic: The addition ot Louisville and the resurgence of West Virginia has made this conference watchable again.
Conference Biyatch: Temple (they shouldn’t have a team anymore, really).

#6: Pac 10
Logic: USC is the only team worth watching in this conference. Challenge The Pundit on this one and see where it gets you. The Pundit would like to officially rename this conference the Whack 10.

The other conferences may have a good team here or there, but they aren’t worthy of a full breakdown in the Pundit’s mind. If you are a passionate fan of a school in one of these conferences, waving your window flags with pride and are hurt by the omission, get a life already.

GAMES OF THE WEEK

LSU-Auburn: Need the Pundit say more? The AP #3 and #6 going at it! Saturday, CBS, 3:30. Be there!

Miami-Louisville: Great offense versus great defense. A Cardinal victory would set them up for a huge showdown later with West Virginia. A Miami victory would get the Seminole sting out of their system and re-validate their season. If they lose this one, the ‘Canes are already done.

Notre Dame-Michigan: Michigan hasn’t beaten Notre Dame with Touchdown Jesus looking over their shoulders in years. This should be a good test of Notre Dame’s national title worthiness and could vault Michigan into the hunt if they win.

[Cue electrifying, pulsating drum roll... and get on the AV pyrotechnics ASAP, owner boys -— The Pundit again mocks your low-rent site!]

AND THE WHAT THE F*#@?!?! AWARD GOES TO…

Mitch Cozad! Mr. Cozad, the backup punter at the football mecca known as Northern Colorado, thought he would get a leg up (haha!) on his competition for the starting job by stabbing the current starter in his kicking leg! This is some serious Jerry Springer shit. Mitch, what the f*#@?!?!” were you thinking?

Posted in College Football