The Sports Truth

The Sports Truth is proud to bring you The Weigh-In, in which we break down prospective matchups within the world of sports (and sometimes pop culture) that you may never have considered… seeing as they are pointless and, above all, not real.

Our inaugural edition is a showdown of Barkleys. Who will emerge victorious when the incomparable motormouth and NBA great Charles Barkley goes toe-to-toe with hip-hop duo Gnarls Barkley in a 10-round bout? Let’s take a look:

1. ACTUAL NAME(S)

Charles Barkley: Charles Wade Barkley
Gnarls Barkley: Thomas Callaway, Brian Burton
Edge: Charles

2. NICKNAME(S)

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles, the Round Mound of Rebound
Gnarls Barkley: Cee-Lo, Danger Mouse
Edge: Gnarls

3. CURRENT BUZZ

Charles Barkley: Always a presence, the retired NBA great and current TNT analyst is never far from the spotlight
Gnarls Barkley: One of the hottest acts in music right now
Edge: Gnarls

4. CRAZY FACTOR

Charles Barkley: Someone generously listed at 6′6″ wouldn’t be among the NBA’s career leaders in rebounds or technical fouls if he didn’t have a few screws loose. Nor would said individual jokingly elbow an Angolan player in the Olympics, or throw a fan through a plate glass window.
Gnarls Barkley: Their single “Crazy” is the first song ever to top the UK singles charts purely on download sales, and also the first single to top the charts for nine weeks consecutively since 1994. Debut CD featuring the song has sold nearly 800,000 copies.
Edge: Even

5. NOTEWORTHY TEAMMATES

Charles Barkley: Julius Erving, Hakeem Olajuwon, Clyde Drexler, Kevin Johnson
Gnarls Barkley: Gorillaz, Goodie Mob
Edge: Charles

6. KNOCK

Charles Barkley: Never won an NBA title
Gnarls Barkley: Electronic music lacks mainstream credibility
Edge: Gnarls

7. BANK

Charles Barkley: Over $43 million in career earnings, probably at least that in endorsements, plus investments; Well-paid NBA TV analyst
Gnarls Barkley: Doing pretty well for themselves, but can’t be nearing Charles’ nine-figure territory yet.
Edge: Charles

8. SOUND BYTES

Charles Barkley: [on SI's Rick Reilly]: “Of all the people in sports I’d like to throw through a plate glass window, Reilly’s not one of them. It’s a shame though, skinny white boy looks real aerodynamic.”
Gnarls Barkley: [on performing live]: “This ain’t just some studio act. We bring the $h!t.”
Edge: Charles

9. POSSIBLE CONTROVERSY CAUSES

Charles Barkley: Fines, profane tirades, bar fights, making absurdly un-PC remarks
Gnarls Barkley: Copyright infringement
Edge: Charles

10. FUTURE ASPIRATIONS

Charles Barkley: Running for Governor of Alabama, ripping today’s NBA stars, lots of golf, gambling many U.S. dollars
Gnarls Barkley: Revolutionizing radio with a uniquely catchy fusion of hip-hop and soul
Edge: Even

THE VERDICT: Gnarls may be all the rage these days, but Charles, the original Barkley, takes it by the score of 6-4. Crazy stuff.

Posted in Charles Barkley, The Weigh-In