The Sports Truth

No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: THE RYDER CUP

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Which would you rather have as captain: The superior 1-2-3 punch of Americans Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Jim Furyk, or the European team’s superior depth in roster spots 4-12?

JOEY BARGUY: Depth is for losers. No one ever made the playoffs because their farm team had surprising depth. The European team is a great representative of Europe: ununified and boring, nothing really special.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Are we really doing a Starting Five about the Ryder Cup? Seriously, I need more T.O. talk in my life.

LUCAS DWYER: First off, Woods and Furyk are rumored to be paired together which off-sets their supposed impact on other players. Second, only Mickleson averages over a half a point per match (i.e., winning more matches than losing) and his margin is .51 (Woody is .40, Furyk .33). This is a team event. The U.S. will need more than the big three. Give me depth or give me death.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: Only on Sunday, when 12 singles matches decide the Cup, are all the team members required to play. So the first 16 points will be decided largely by the elite players on both teams, giving the Americans the chance to set the tone. Europe’s depth is formidable, but not insurmountable.

MICHAEL BRIAN: I’m going to have to go with the European team, if only because I find my captaining skills greatly improve when I feel free to make the occasional porn joke.

2. Some say the technique and nerve-wracking nature of match play make it the purest form of golf. Should more tournaments adopt the Ryder Cup’s uniquely challenging format?

JOEY BARGUY: Who says that? I like predicability, and then I can frame the event with my remote control. Sometimes a birdie at the 4th hole on Friday afternoon at the Masters decides the tournament — especially if it’s the only hole I watch. Don’t tell me what’s exciting, you arrogant Europeans.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Do you know where I can get those pics of Tiger’s wife?

LUCAS DWYER: Having played in many individual sports in team formats in high school, I find them infinately more entertaining. There’s nothing more fun than rooting for the U.S. during the Ryder Cup and constantly reevaluating where your team stands as the matches fluctuate. Not sure how the PGA could incorporate this format more often, but I’d say the viewership would be better than for, say, the 84 Lumber Classic.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Ryder Cup? I hardly know Mrs. Woods.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: I do like match play, so definitely. The PGA might try to do one more team event of some sort during the year.

3. This year’s Ryder Cup is the first to be held in Ireland. Which of these Irish exports will have the biggest impact on the Europeans’ chances: Leprechauns, U2 or Guinness?

MICHAEL STEPHENS: U2 hasn’t released a good album since 1991, so they’re irrelevant. Likewise for Leprechauns, which don’t exist. Guinness, though? You can get drunk off it, and contrary to popular belief, that does not improve one’s short game.

LUCAS DWYER: No self-respecting non-Irishman would drink Guinness, listen to U2, or believe in Leprechauns. But Jameson, sweet Jameson, that’ll be their undoing.

JOEY BARGUY: That selection of choices makes no sense. Obviously the Irish export that will have the biggest impact is depression — and the O’-to start last names. Then I can call the Europeon team the “O’Awfuls.”

MICHAEL BRIAN: How can you even ask that question when we have genocide in the Sudan, AIDS destroying an entire generation of Africans and New Orleans still languishes in disrepair? Oh, sorry, I read the question wrong. I thought it was which of these Irish exports will have the biggest impact on my answer… and obviously I went with leprechauns.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: U2 because they will probably try to save the world and relate it back to Africa or Ireland or world peace. I am excited for the U2/Green Day collaboration on Monday Night Football… even though it is occurring because they are trying to save the world.

4. Who would you most want on your side in a high-stakes game: European team member Padraig Harrington (below, left), his cousin, Dolphins quarterback Joey Harrington (center), or his other cousin, 1995 World Series of Poker winner Dan Harrington?

MICHAEL BRIAN: That depends on what game we’re playing. If it’s golf, I’m taking Padraig. If it’s poker, I’m taking Dan. And if it’s football, I’m taking the loss.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Joey Harrington. He’s really going to show his potential in Miami once Daunte Caulpepper goes 0-7 and is dropped by millions of fantasy football owners across the country.

LUCAS DWYER: Didn’t Padraig flip out on his captain for not including him on the Ryder Cup team? That’s more emotion and gumption than Joey or Dan have ever shown. Give me that guy in a dog fight.

JOEY BARGUY: I would say Joey Harrington. At least he couldn’t accurately throw the game. Plus, he’s American.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: In a shocking upset, I’m taking Joey Harrington — if only because my former roommate, an Oregon graduate, tells me the former Ducks QB is actually a super nice guy “in real life.”

5. Enough of this nonsense. Who’s gonna win and by how much?

JOEY BARGUY: The U.S., obviously. Tremendous home field advantage.

LUCAS DWYER: The rookies carry the US and make us forget about Tiger and Phil for a weekend: USA 15, Europe 13.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: The Americans have won just three of the last 10 battles for the Cup, many of which they entered as favorites. This year, they’re supposedly underdogs, but they’ve got the camaraderie, the big intangible that has often favored Europe. Plus, that Irish dude ripped Tiger’s wife. He’s pissed, and we all know how that goes. The Red, White and Blue take it in a 14.5-13.5 squeaker.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Tiger Woods by three strokes.

MICHAEL BRIAN: United States, by four money shots.

Posted in Golf, Starting Five