The Sports Truth

No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: THE UPCOMING NFL SEASON

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1. Obligatory Terrell Owens question: Which will he record more of: fines or TDs?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: I’m going to go with fines since he already has a few of those against zero touchdowns. Plus, with Bledsoe in the pocket, T.O. will be on defense most of the time trying to break up obvious interceptions.

LUCAS DWYER: It’s hard to wager against fines at this point considering fines already leads touchdowns 1-0 and the season hasn’t even started. Touchdowns suffered a major loss when Owens’ got injured during the pre-season. A statement by touchdowns issued later that day showed a steadfast resolve not to let the injury affect performance and touchdowns seemed determined to overcome the 1-0 deficit it faces against fines. You can say all you want, but the track record of fines speaks for itself. I think TDs will retake the lead early in the season, but fines will mount a furious late season charge to win, 5-4.

MICHAEL BRIAN: I think he’ll record more episodes of Veronica Mars. Turns out he really got into the show during his downtime last season, but this year he’s got practice during the show’s time slot. Hopefully his DVR doesn’t tweak its hamstring.

THE PUNDIT: More TDs. I don’t think he’ll turn into a $h!thead until after the season.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: If he’s healthy, he’ll probably get a minimum of 9-10 TDs. Amassing that many fines will to be tough, however, even for a man of T.O.’s ilk. After 6-7 disciplinary infractions, Dallas may elect to rid itself of Owens and just eat his contract. And it will taste bitter.

LEVI MATTHEWS: He’ll have some fine touchdowns, trust me on that one. Drew Bledsoe throws a very pretty deep ball. But the answer to the question is obviously fines, the guy is a horrid human being.

2. Better odds: Peyton Manning succeeding in the playoffs or Bill Belichick smiling?

LEVI MATTHEWS: Doug Flutie retired, there will be no drop kicks in New England’s future. So I can’t see why B-Squared has any reason to flash his pearly whites. Manning, however is destined to move on in the playoffs this season (see question 5 for the exciting reason why).

MICHAEL STEPHENS: Bill Belichick will smile, on the inside, when his team owns the Colts for the 95th straight time on November 5 in Foxboro.

LUCAS DWYER: …or Peyton Manning smiling during the playoffs? That has to be the lowest odds, right? Oh, we were looking for the highest odds…go with blackjack then.

MICHAEL BRIAN: If Belichick didn’t smile when the news of his cuckolding became public, he’s not going to smile for anything, not even the news of his cuckolding becoming public. I believe this is the year Manning succeeds in (not calling out his teammates in) the playoffs.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Bill Belichick is already smiling thanks to that mistress who is sleeping with him to get to Tom Brady. The real question is where can I get my custom Bill Belichick ¾-length ripped sleeve hoodie? I like Peyton all the way. Those commercials he does to show everyone that he’s not an overly competitive jerk who only cares about winning are really selling me. Switching to pancakes!

THE PUNDIT: Hmmm… toss-up? I will take Manning, if only because my roommate is a Colts fan and Junior Seau is a schmoe.

3. Besides talk of a Manning-Manning Super Bowl, what’s your prediction for most overblown story of the year?

THE PUNDIT: People obsessing about Michael Vick finally evolving into Pro Bowl QB… He is an avergage NFL QB but exceptional playmaker. Get the f&$k over it already.

MICHAEL BRIAN: The Saints returning to the Superdome. Um, New Orleans would be better off without these guys. Everyone knows God sent Katrina to the Big Easy because He was angry with the team’s lackluster play.

LUCAS DWYER: The rivalry/feud between Terrell Owens touchdowns vs. fines. I mean, you can’t even interview those guys.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: The Arizona Cardinals are finally a force to be reckoned with! Just save your breath. Although that Matt Leinart sure is a player…

LEVI MATTHEWS: How peeved fantasy football players are at Mike Shannahan for never sticking with one running back in Denver. Just draft Ron Dayne, already! The guy is Thunder!

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Jeff George returning to prominence as the Raiders’ starting quarterback. That or how every sports media outlet is placing equal or more importance on fantasy football than true NFL games.

4. Who will go down as bigger first pick bust: Alex Smith or Mario Williams?

LUCAS DWYER: Alex Smith still plays for the 49ers, right? Alex Smith will be the bigger bust. The Texans at least have Texas, what do the 49ers have?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: Alex who?

LEVI MATTHEWS: Wait, are Mario Williams’ hands large enough to hold a football? Yes? Then the answer is Alex Smith.

THE PUNDIT: Alex Smith. Loved him at Utah but he doesn’t win games. Mario Williams will always alter blocking schemes and get five sacks and 50 tackles a year on his physical presence alone.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: I have to agree with the Pundit on this one. Williams may not be #1 pick material, but he’s at least NFL starter material. Not only does Alex Smith stink at football given his physical handicap, but those small hands of his invariably mean mediocre genitals, which must to do a number on his confidence.

MICHAEL BRIAN: Are you really making fun of Alex Smith? That “first pick bust” just donated half his paycheck to orphans. Orphans with diseases. (Joke line courtesy of The Simpsons. Joke pick courtesy of the San Francisco 49ers)

5. Who are your preseason picks to make the Super Bowl and why?

MICHAEL BRIAN: Colts. Giants. Manning -v- Manning in the SUPERDOME! It’s God’s plan.

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: From the AFC, I’m going with the Bengals! They’re the new Colts, with a high powered offense and decent defense. Any team that has to trade points with Cincy will be in trouble. Plus I have a man crush on Chad Johnson and his Rodman-esque / Demolition Man hair. As for the NFC, I like the New Orleans Saints! Come on… Reggie Bush?! Talk about a difference maker. I think the rest of the league will spot them some points or give ‘em a break for that whole Katrina thing. Come February, the Queen City will be rocking and the Bengals will be NFL champions. You heard it here first.

LEVI MATTHEWS: Colts vs. Giants. Do you really need to ask why? One is quarterbacked by Peyton, the other by Eli. Manning! They’re both Mannings! Aside from unmatched talent, these sons of Archie possess knowledge at their position above and beyond any other signal caller in the league. I don’t see how it’s possible not to get excited about this match-up and talk about it all season long.

THE PUNDIT: Carolina and Indy. Carolina looks very strong so far and if they stay healthy their defense will take them a long way (like the Ravens five years ago). I think Indianapolis has all the pieces to put together a title run, especially as some of their rivals are already weaker, notably New England.

LUCAS DWYER: I like the Patriots in a suddenly weak AFC. I’m not sold on the Steelers, Broncos, or Chiefs, and the Colts and Chargers have had massive offseason roster changes. I like the Dolphins as a sleeper in the AFC. The Seahawks are still the team to beat in the NFC. The offense is largely the same and they still get to play in that joke of a division called the NFC West. My problem with the Panthers is that they play a far harder schedule. I have no NFC sleeper, the teams are either good (Seattle, Carolina, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, and the NFC East) or bad (the rest). Granted, I wasn’t asked for a sleeper, but YOU NEED TO KNOW ANYWAYS!

MICHAEL STEPHENS: I can see a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVIII, with a pair of former Giants defensive coordinators, John Fox and Bill Belichick, duking it out. But watch out for the Manning brother with a chance to do something dangerous if his team can make the playoffs. Eli.

Posted in NFL, Starting Five