The Sports Truth

The Sports Truth is proud to bring you The Weigh-In, in which we break down prospective matchups within the world of sports (and sometimes pop culture) that you may never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Our latest edition is a showdown of stars past and present. One stars in the NBA. The other used to star on NBC. Who will emerge victorious when Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade squares off against Dwayne Wayne from the classic ’80s sitcom A Different World? Let’s take a look:

1. EDUCATION

Dwyane Wade: Attended Marquette, but sat out one season due to academic problems, then bolted early for the NBA Draft
Dwayne Wayne: Received undergraduate and graduate degrees from Hillman College, went on to become Professor of Mathematics at the school
Edge: D-Wayne

2. NICKNAMES

Dwyane Wade: Flash, D-Wade
Dwayne Wayne: Um, Kadeem Hardison?
Edge: D-Wade

3. SIGNATURE LOOK

Dwyane Wade: Calm expression, custom converse sneaks named simply “The Wade”
Dwayne Wayne: Flip-up sunglasses, flat top ‘fro
Edge: D-Wayne

4. CAREER ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Dwyane Wade: Led Marquette to Final Four, won NBA title and MVP honors with Miami Heat, all by age 24
Dwayne Wayne: Undetermined
Edge: D-Wade

5. DUBIOUS DISTINCTIONS

Dwyane Wade: In 2006, voted NBA’s Most Humble Player
Dwayne Wayne: In college, voted Most Likely to Be Stood Up
Edge: Even

6. UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Dwyane Wade: Failed to win Gold at Olympics, World Championships
Dwayne Wayne: Only got one date with Denise Huxtable
Edge: D-Wayne

7. STREET CRED

Dwyane Wade: Guy can ball, sure, but he’s far too reserved and nice for thugs outside Miami-Dade County to rock his #3 (which he chose because it represents the Holy Trinity) en masse
Dwayne Wayne: Was surprisingly cool in his heyday (1987-1993)
Edge: Even

8. CHARITABLE CONTRIBUTIONS

Dwyane Wade: Tithes 10 percent of his earnings to a church in Chicago
Dwayne Wayne: Was always a great friend, husband and mentor
Edge: D-Wade

9. MEMORABLE QUOTES

Dwyane Wade: [on Pat Riley's mentoring] “Coach put a challenge out there to be more active on defense, to be more aware. I know I’m a good defender, but at times, I take a rest. He challenged me not to take a rest.”
Dwayne Wayne: [on why women have it easy] “A butt pinch hurts a lot less then a bullet wound.”
Edge: D-Wayne

10. INFLUENCES

Dwyane Wade: His wife, Siohvaughn Funches; His daughter, Zaire Blessing; The literary classic, Pride and Prejudice. All of which, he says, helped him overcome obstacles, get out of his own way, appreciate life, and let love rule.
Dwayne Wayne: Col. Taylor, Whitley Gilbert, the cultural impact of the 1992 L.A. riots
Edge: D-Wade

THE VERDICT: For the first time in Weigh-In history… a tie! The action never waned (sorry) as D & D fought to an intense 5-5 draw. Alas, neither competitor joins Charles Barkley and Lawrence Taylor in the elite group of Weigh-In winners. But congrats to both of you guys on a great effort.

[Home team in CAPS. Spreads accurate as of Friday, 4:30 EST]

Indianapolis (-9) over N.Y. JETS
The Colts have been a gambling godsend over the past 2-3 years and anytime the spread is below two scores, you have to consider it. Even with the loss of Edge, this team can still score with ease (see 21 points vs. a very good Jacksonville defense) and they’re going up against a defense that gave up 150+ rushing yards to Willis McGahee. Joseph Addai certainly can’t wear McGahee’s shoes, but even he can amass 70 yards on the ground against the Jets defense which will keep them honest and allow Peyton Manning (right) to explode.

Minnesota (+1) over BUFFALO
A match up of seemingly similar teams — mediocre offense, good defense, little that’s special. Buffalo has the edge at RB, Minnesota the edge at QB. Which is more important? I think last week’s awful loss by the Bills gives us an indication.

San Diego (-2.5) over BALTIMORE
I’m not sold that San Diego is as good as everyone is hyping them up to be — if Marty tried his offensive strategy of not letting Rivers throw, ever, against a good team, they’d get whalloped. But when you need a miracle to defeat the Browns, you’re not beating the Chargers. This spread should definitely be over three points and the fact that this line has stood all week stuns me. Load up on S.D.

Dallas (-9.5) over TENNESSEE
Don’t be afraid of big spreads just because Vegas is. The gut reaction is to jump on the points thinking “T.O.’s a mess, how are the Cowboys gonna score?” Never forget that the Titans are awful. Awful. Is 21-10 out of the question? No way. I’m not sure the Titans will score 10 points.

SAN FRANCISCO (+7) over Kansas City
Probably the hardest game on the board to call. Herman Edwards and the Chiefs have shown nothing so far. The Niners, meanwhile, have discovered a running game and have life to them. The one thing you can count on in the NFL is that no team will be atrocious for more than 2-3 years (well, except the Matt Millen-led Lions). I think we’re looking at a 7-9 or 8-8 Niners team that you never want to bet against. I see them keeping this close, especially if they ever get the lead.

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No pulsating intro music or pyrotechnics are necessary when the Sports Truth’s Starting Five takes the floor. Primarily because our budget won’t allot for such things. That would be so cool, though!

Every Friday, our panel of experts takes a current sports topic and sounds off on it — five times over. These guys have been researching constantly, poring over endless data and bouncing ideas off each other in preparation for this feature. Prepare to be amused, perplexed, enraged and maybe a little awed by their collective brilliance.

This Week’s Topic: THE UPCOMING NHL SEASON

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1. More ridiculous signing: Rick DiPietro for 15 years, or Terrell Owens for any period?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: As I wrote earlier this month, signing Rick DiPietro for 15 years is like trying to commit suicide for more attention. Just stupid.

MICHAEL BRIAN: DiPietro, as his signing assumes that the NHL will last for 15 more years.

LEVI MATTHEWS: DiPietro. At least T.O. elicits controversy and puts fans in the seats. DiPetro elicits wasted space on SportsCenter for hockey news and puts his pants on one leg at a time.

JOEY BARGUY: Rick DiPietro. Because in five years the “Generation Y” kids will start entering the NHL — they’ll be dominate and replace the current flock. Just think, these kids have never experienced a world with the Soviet Union! Their short attention spans and sense of entitlement are perfect for goaltending.

LUCAS DWYER: As much as it “pains” me to not say Terrell Owens, the Islanders giving DiPietro a 15-year contract is organizational “suicide.” What if we discover DiPietro has a “drug” problem and “overdoses” on his narcotic of choice after this season and spends the next 14 years in rehab? Sure, it’s completely irrational, but when you sign a guy to a 15-year contract, you have to consider things like the player “lying” to you about particulars like that amongst a litany of other potential problems.

MICHAEL STEPHENS: T.O. While a 15-year deal is asinine, remember that an organization once chose to deactivate Owens, effectively placing him on paid leave rather than letting him suit up. If you’re going to do that, you might as well not sign him to begin with. Also, this week he may or may not have tried to kill himself. Dallas needs to take out a life insurance policy on this dude, pronto.

1a. [Bonus Trivia Question] What is the NHL salary cap for the 2006-07 season?

EVAN CHRISTOPHER: I refuse to look it up but I’ll guess $38M. Am I close?

MICHAEL BRIAN: This answer is easy to figure out. Take the NHL’s salary cap for the 2006-2007 season, cut it in half… and then double it.

JOEY BARGUY: $2.57/gallon.

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So it now looks like Terrell Owens did not try to kill himself by overdosing on pain medication, as was widely reported earlier today.

The Sports Truth is relieved, as what would have been a tragedy is now merely another absurd piece of sports news.

At a press conference an hour ago, the Cowboys receiver said “there was no suicide attempt” and explained that he became groggy last night from mixing painkillers with nutritional supplements, not from taking many times the required dosage in an attempt to take his life.

He apologized to the Cowboys organization for the spectacle, explained what happened in detail, and discussed how he wants to play this week against Tennessee (meanwhile, my compulsive gambling supervisor began checking the up-to-the-minute Cowboys-Titans line for Sunday).

He was as normal as you’ll ever see him, and the conference should have ended there, with Dallas trying to restore some element of normalcy in preparation for its next game. But alas, Terrell’s publicist, Kim Etheredge, began fielding questions.

Why does Terrell Owens need a publicist? He’s a wide receiver. He catches footballs for a living. What is there to say about him that we don’t know, and what does he care what we think? He’s accountable to Bill Parcells and Jerry Jones. End of story. Why is this annoying woman on TV?

Bringing back memories of Owens’ press conference with agent Drew Rosenhaus during his Eagles holdout last summer, Etheredge immediately began her spin job. Apparently, the media is treating T.O. unfairly over this, and all the involved law enforcement officials are lying. Who would have guessed.

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[Cue Booming Voice, Pulsating Intro Music and Pyrotechnics]

Can anyone challenge the Pundit’s football acumen? The Pundit mocks anyone who thinks they can even attempt to hold his jock when it comes to college football.

Since the Pundit is affiliated with a technically deficient site (one probably run by chimps randomly punching keyboards) he will track his own record to make sure his legion of hungry fans can follow his omnipotence! 5-0 this week and 11-5 on the year! You have all been pimped again Pundit-style! Bow down, mere mortals!

[Cue the drum roll]

THE PUNDIT’S POWER FIVE

1. Ohio State. The Pundit took the Buckeyes by 21 over Penn State. Damn, the Pundit is good!
Next week’s opponent: Iowa
Prediction: This should be one of the early Big 10 grudge matches. A win for the Hawkeyes would get them into the top 10 nationally and give them some title hype. It’s a home game for Iowa but the Pundit is not convinced they’re strong enough to derail early Heisman front-runner Troy Smith (right) & Co. Buckeyes by 10.

2. Auburn. The Tigers got bored about one minute into their game against I-AA Buffalo and went through the motions to get the victory. It wasn’t a total romp because the third-stringers probably played the whole second half. Can you tell the Pundit didn’t watch this one?
Next week’s opponent: South Carolina
Prediction: This is a home game for the Gamecocks, but the Pundit is not sniffing an upset. Spurrier has made them respectable again but not against this defense. Auburn will win in entertaining but decisive fashion.

3. West Virginia. This should have been a blowout in the Pundit’s mind, but the Mountaineers struggled mightily in topping Maryland. The Mountaineers need all the big wins they can get because of a weaker schedule, so they lose some face with this one.
Next week’s opponent: Idle
Random Thought: This could be a sign of trouble for West Virginia. Most teams want their byes after a tough conference matchup, not after some patsy. Could this early bye end up hurting them? The Pundit is just throwing that thought out there…

4. USC. The Trojans looked flat in a victory over Arizona, as its offense lacked the normal sizzle. They can’t afford this type of performance against a real team. Sorry Tedy… not.
Next week’s opponent: Washington State
Prediction: Washington State is 3-1 and seems to have turned the corner after a long rebuilding process initiated by Bill Doba. However, they barely squeaked by Baylor and handily beat two weaker teams in Idaho and Stanford. The Pundit thinks the Cougars will give the Trojans a good game but look for a big day from Dwayne Jarrett and John David Booty. Trojans by 21 in a high-scoring shootout.

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The Sports Truth is proud to bring you The Weigh-In, in which we break down prospective matchups within the world of sports (and sometimes pop culture) that you may never have considered. Because they are pointless, and above all, not real.

Our newest edition is a showdown of pro football stars who claim the nickname LT. Who will come out on top in 10-round bout between NFL legend Lawrence Taylor and possible future NFL legend LaDainian Tomlinson? Let’s take a look:

1. RAW TALENT

Lawrence Taylor: Widely considered one of the greatest defensive players in NFL history due to his dominance and the impact of his presence offenses
LaDainian Tomlinson: Widely considered one of the best running backs in the NFL with combination of power, speed and versatility
Edge: Even

2. COLLEGE CAREER

Lawrence Taylor: Broke numerous defensive records at North Carolina, which would later retire his jersey
LaDainian Tomlinson: Heisman Trophy finalist as a senior at TCU; ran for 5,263 career yards, ranking sixth in Division I history; Holds NCAA records for most rushing yards in a game (406).
Edge: LaDainian

3. FIRST FIVE SEASONS

Lawrence Taylor: Three NFL Defensive Player of the Year awards, one NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year award, one NFL MVP award
LaDainian Tomlinson: 7,361 rushing yards, 9,753 total yards, NFL record 80 touchdowns
Edge: Even

4. FANTASY FOOTBALL VALUE

Lawrence Taylor: No matter how great, defensive players just aren’t worth that much
LaDainian Tomlinson: Irreplaceable
Edge: LaDainian

5. TEAM ACHIEVEMENTS

Lawrence Taylor: Giants went 9-4 in the playoffs with Taylor suiting up, winning two Super Bowls
LaDainian Tomlinson: Chargers have made one playoff appearance in LT’s career, losing to the Jets
Edge: Lawrence

6. UNORTHODOX TACTICS

Lawrence Taylor: Sending hookers to opposing players’ hotels the night before the game
LaDainian Tomlinson: Throwing halfback pass, diving over the pile from several yards away to score TDs
Edge: Lawrence

7. GOLF GAME

Lawrence Taylor: Plays every damn day, but gambles excessively
LaDainian Tomlinson: Hosts annual LaDainian Tomlinson Celebrity Invitational Golf Tournament to raise money for local charities
Edge: Even

8. STREET CRED

Lawrence Taylor: Once claimed he did not know anyone who wasn’t a prostitute, drug dealer or thug
LaDainian Tomlinson: Tough dude, but squeaky clean
Edge: Lawrence

9. PERSONAL QUOTE

Lawrence Taylor: “Let’s go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs, baby! Woo!”
LaDainian Tomlinson: “Some people say I’m the best back in the NFL, that’s what drives you me… you want everyone saying there’s no doubt who’s the best.”
Edge: Lawrence

10. BIGGEST CRITICISM

Lawrence Taylor: Engaged in almost unthinkable excess
LaDainian Tomlinson: Shoplifts nicknames
Edge: LaDainian

THE VERDICT: The younger LT battled gamely, but there can be only one… and nothing beats the original, who escapes with a 5.5-4.5 victory. He probably bet on it, too — the opening line was Lawrence (-1).

When you’re a small-time gambling addict with an appreciation for the absurd, it’s simply too easy to plop down $10 against the Saints.

You and your friend Alexander Hamilton must instead bet on the Saints… and the Falcons. To be more specific, that neither team will score in the first 7:07 of their Monday Night battle in the Big Easy. That’s right. I was pulling for the clock.

The logic involved in this wager was four-fold:

1. The Saints are not good, and therefore would not score early
2. Atlanta runs the football often, so any drive would consume time
3. As opposed to wagering on Atlanta and subsequently feeling bad betting against beleaguered New Orleans, this provided guilt-free fun
4. It was a funny bet

It seemed so right. Of course, three plays from scrimmage, 90 seconds and one blocked punt later, the Saints took a 7-0 lead and never looked back. Good times.

We may have lost the Ryder Cup, but this wasn’t the worst sports weekend for the U.S. of A. In another grudge match with our European counterparts, the Red, White & Blue pulled it out in dramatic fashion.

Despite the European team entering the last day of the match narrowly ahead, an impressive performance by the Americans in the final rounds of the individual contest swept them to a convincing victory in the Warren Buffett Challenge Match, also held in Ireland from September 18-21.

We are talking, of course, about bridge.

More specifically, the Buffett Cup, an event founded by investor Warren Buffett, one of the world’s richest men and an avid player. The Berkshire Hathaway founder, whose fortune has been estimated at over $40 billion, has always had a passion for bridge, which he plays at times with a deck of cards inscribed “Make Checks Payable to Warren Buffett.”

Buffett (left, with friend and bridge partner Bill Gates), has this to say about his favorite card game:

“It’s got to be the best intellectual exercise out there. You’re seeing through new situations every 10 minutes… In the stock market you don’t base your decisions on what the market is doing, but on what you think is rational… Bridge is about weighing gain/loss ratios. You’re doing calculations all the time.”

In the inaugural match, the Americans finished ahead by 23 championship points, equivalent to nearly six matches, having won all five of the final five rounds, including two clean sweeps in Rounds 8 and 9. A rematch of the “Ryder Cup of Bridge” will take place in Kentucky in September 2008. Go team! U-S-A!

Just two weeks after announcing his separation from Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown took his single self to the Las Vegas strip. Tiring of feeling sorry for himself and getting busy with mistress Karrine Steffans, Brown arrived in Vegas Friday ready to blow off some steam.

He’s keeping some exclusive company, too. Saturday, Whitney’s soon-to-be ex was observed partying at Pure nightclub at Caesars Palace with none other than former World Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson.

The two were reportedly in good spirits, refraining from assaulting or eating anybody as they cheerily greeted fans while making their way through the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. It’s a good thing no one asked Mike what the f*%k is up with the tattoo on his face.

What stands out about this report? Apparently, there are still fans of a singer that hasn’t had a hit in over a decade and a convicted rapist who hasn’t won a real bout in about that long. One can only guess what would ensue if these “fans” laid eyes on an actual celebrity.

Bedlam. Then again, there seem to be fans of John Rocker out there, too. Or at least people who will do business with him. Possibly. Forget it.

Remember John Rocker? The guy who was a nasty reliever for about a year and a half, then was exposed a nasty individual?

Well, he’s still out there, somewhere, trying to (re)make a name for himself. From his new website, JohnRocker.net, we’ve determined that he supports people with disabilities, the NYPD, Hurricane Katrina relief efforts, even cuddly little kittens.

It’s quite moving. Our favorite part of Rocker’s site (besides the event schedule or the information about booking John for your next event), is his bio, which reads:

Rocker joined the Big Leagues in 1998, where he would close for the next 3 1/2 years. He pitched in two National League Championships and one World Series. He pitched 21 1/3 scoreless playoff innings.

After attempting a comeback to baseball with the Long Island Ducks in 2005, Rocker decided to give up the game and focus on his other businesses, real estate developments and IP Promotions, Inc., a streaming video company.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but there appear to be a few noteworthy moments omitted from the Statesboro, Ga., native’s life story. Something about New York’s #7 Train comes to mind? People deserve second chances and all, but come on. Rocker makes Forrest Gump quotes seem profound… and at least that guy was actually nice.