The Sports Truth

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven times … in a row! That’s a lot. But can he even win the New York City Marathon once?

That’s the question two of our panelists cover this week, as they consider just how much stamina remains in Lance’s tank. Ask yourself, sports fans:

Can Lance Armstrong actually win the NYC Marathon?

Is running really that different than cycling? A world class marathoner is presumably in superior physical shape, with tremendous lower-body strength and endurance. Hmm. These seem like reachable hurdles for the best athlete on Earth.
As incredible as the accomplishments of world-class runners are, let’s face it - there’s no skill involved. Marathoners practice hard and run really fast for hours. The best conditioned entrant wins. End of story.

I’m not insinuating that running marathons isn’t challenging. Far from it. The only running I do is to the nearest Dunkin Donuts (which isn’t far in any direction here in New England). I’m just saying that if focal points of an event are drive and endurance, only a fool would question Lance. He is not trying to hit curveballs or sink three-pointers.

We’re talking about racing toward a finish line far, far away, something Armstrong is pretty familiar with. Not to mention good at. Studies have shown that his inordinately high anaerobic threshold allows him to sustain muscle performance for longer periods of time.

And come on. Do you really think anyone can beat Armstrong when he puts his mind and body toward conquering a new challenge? You think he can’t decide to run circles around a bunch of amateurs after dispatching elite cyclists and advanced cancer over the course of a decade? Think defending champ Paul Tergat likes his chances to repeat?

Did anyone outside of East Africa know who Paul was before I dropped his name 10 seconds ago? Of course not. He’s a mortal. Armstrong is Roger Federer, Pedro Martinez (circa 1999), Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods rolled into one.

Not only will Armstrong finish the New York Marathon in under two hours, he will use it as a springboard into a new arena. After crossing the finish line November 5, he will announce a surprise campaign for Governor of his native Texas. Two days later he will be swept into office by a wave of write-in ballots on Election Day, deposing incumbent Rick Perry with more than 80 percent of the vote.

Upon taking office, Armstrong will ask that insurgents lay down their arms and that U.S. troops be withdrawn. Despite his complete lack of authority over the matter, both groups will comply.

Armstrong will then eliminate the national deficit, single-handedly defeat the impending avian flu pandemic, and reduce the Homeland Security terror alert level to “green” (or low) for the first time ever. Why? Because he can.
- Michael Stephens

There are many ways in which the world is sure to remember Lance Armstrong, but I wouldn’t be so quick to add New York City Marathon champion to that list. Not even this superior specimen of an athlete can just wake up one morning, decide to enter such a race and conquer the mean streets of the Big Apple.

It’s a task you need to train years for, a grueling 26.2 miles that singes your calves and slices off your toenails. Lance isn’t ready. He’s just not Kenyan enough.

Runners from that nation have won three of the last four NYC marathons; six of the last nine. The last time an American won? 1982. And Lance is no Alberto Salazar. This three-time champion was recruited to run for the University of Oregon. He became a track star on the same course that was once graced by the human cheetah otherwise known as Steve Prefontaine.

Until Jared Leto poignantly portrays Armstrong in a early 1990s biopic, our cycling superstar doesn’t stand a chance such a jogging juggernaut Think about it.

I know, I know, Lance is unique. He doesn’t need mediocre movie validation or any background in competitive running to finish on top. This is a man who’s heart beats over 200 times a minute at maximum capacity, a figure whose popularity and stature hasn’t diminished despite his support of George W. Bush. But no bike can save you on the mean streets of New York. It’s you, asphalt, discarded orange slices and a world of pain. France is a crepe walk in comparison.

Honestly, this is all Crow’s fault. We all remember the singer’s Tuesday Night Music Club smash, Run, Baby, Run. Most of us just belt it out it in the shower, however. We don’t take it so literally. You’d hope Lance wouldn’t feel obligated to live according to lyrics penned by his former flame. It’s over, buddy, let her go.

If this misguided mission makes you happy, so be it. But I think you’re strong enough to know better.

Just head to Las Vegas and then leave it if you wish to cater to Crow’s advice. Otherwise, I fear your Livestrong campaign may be replaced with a Loseweakly motif. That would be a shame.
- Levi Matthews

Posted in Face-Off, Lance Armstrong